Do you Step-Funny?

November 16, 2011

Not a minute, but a year. An entire year of silence. A man of his greatness deserves nothing less.

One year ago today I lost my beloved father, my rock, my mentor, my Dad. For those who know me (and those who follow my writing) you know what a great loss this is.

It has now been over a year since I last posted. A year since I had anything I wanted to say. The last words I wrote were the words I spoke on the day that I said goodbye to my Dad. So today, on the anniversary of my fathers passing, I think it only appropriate that I break my my silence and I write once again.

As I begin, it is my intent to share my year, my loss, my pain, my challenges and my learnings. Yet as I put pen to paper I realize that what I really want to share is not the intese grief that has overwhlemed me for the past twelve months. It is not the feeling of being completely disconnected and alone. Nor is it the darkness, the anger or the isolation that has continuously plauged me.

While the words flow from me, I realize that what I want to share is the freedom I have finally found. I want to share how I came to feel so connected to the man who I can no longer touch, see, hear, experience. I want to share how it was not until I was able to let him go, that I was able to hold on to him. I spent the last year feeling that if I accpeted my fathers passing then I was doing him a diservice. That I was not acknowleding how important he was to me. I felt that if I stopped mourning him I would stop letting him and others know how much I loved him and how much he had impacted my life.

I realized however, that the longer I stayed mourning my loss, the longer I was unable to enjoy all the incredible memories I have. The longer I condemned myself to the darkness, the less that I was able to see the light. This journey has led me to understand that I do not have to say goodbye to my father and I do not need to live without him, but that I can just simply, take him with me.

My father loved life, "Life is a great place to live!", Dad would often say. He aways had a twinkle in his eye and a joke on his lips. He took such great pleasure in the simples things and was facinated by everything. He loved his family and he appreciated his friends. He enjoyed great conversation, good food and goofy music. I tell you, there was never a dull moment when Dad was around, and if there was, he sure didn't let it last long. My father was pure light.

Once I recognized that it was my grief that was keeping me from my father, that it was my grief that was tethering me to the pain and that it was actually my grief that was doing a diservice to my Dad, I knew that I had to let it go. It's time to enjoy the memories of my father, not hide from them. It's time to be open to conversation about him and to share my memories of him, not turn away from them. It's time to embrace him for all that he is and all that he was and continue to enjoy all that he has blessed me with.

The truth is, my father is a part of me. He always has been and he always will be. The best of him resides within me, and whenever I need him, he is right here with me. Looking back I guess I always knew this truth, for when I went to visit my father in the hospital I brought him a card that contained the following words:

"The loving gifts you've given me as a father have shaped my life and made me the person I am. Your strong sense of values, of fairness, of right and wrong are all a part of me. My outlook on life, my sense of humour, my interests and talents. I can see you in them all. It makes me happy and proud to know that the qualities in you I love and admire so much are a part of me. You are always with me Dad, in my thoughts, in my heart, in the very fabric of my life. You are always with me." ~ Dorothy R. Colgan

I confess, that although I am a writer, I could not have chosen words that better describe how I feel about my Dad.

I am not saying that I no longer miss him. I do. I miss him all the time, for all the little things. I never thought that they would mean everything to me but they do. Today however, on the anniversary of his passing, I choose to no longer mourn my loss but to celebrate my blessings, and so many blessing I have! Not only did I have the love, devotion and affections of an adorning father for 42 years of my life, but I now know, that as I move forward, I will always take him with me.

Yes my father was taken far too soon, but his legacy, just like his mothers, is nothing short of remarkable. He was truly a great man and touched those who who had an opportunity to know him deeply. He may no longer be here with us, but he will stay in our hearts forever.

This songs for you Dad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7a7rsjtPdQ&feature=related